Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is Oprah even human
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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