The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
