Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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