I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
