I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
