apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
