It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I want her autograph on my taint
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
