he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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