so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
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