how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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