my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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