When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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