I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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