Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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