She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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