I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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