made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
