Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
