I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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