I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
