Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
