Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry about my life...
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
