me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
