I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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