I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
