Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
