I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
