Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
