I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
