Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Randomize
