Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
