Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
