So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
