My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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