I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
