the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
