i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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