I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
