party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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