Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
