Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
