Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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