it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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