it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
