Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want my vagina anymore.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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