My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
