i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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