everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
