I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
