No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
