I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Randomize
