if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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