$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
