there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I think I died a long time ago.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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