If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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