Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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