You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I believe in your delicious
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize