Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
