My sheets look like a crime scene.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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