Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
