it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
