i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
