Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
so much tequila, so little girl.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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