I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
