he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i think i have two assholes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
