watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
