Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
