I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
