Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
