she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
